i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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