When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
