i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
