i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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