The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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