you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
