Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
