Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
