I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
