No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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