i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
