is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
