I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
