matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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