What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
