took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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