dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
