i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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