if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
