guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
