I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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