Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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