I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
