your parents love me but you hate me
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
