I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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