when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
