Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
