Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
