so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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