what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
