How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
