I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
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