im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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