Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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