I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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