I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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