I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
