Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
This gyro tastes like lonliness
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize