Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
