Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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