I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
