so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize