god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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