Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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