I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
