i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
