Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
