mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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