So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
