How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
