is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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