She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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