This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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