Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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