I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
