She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
