He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
