ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
