Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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