please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
