fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
