When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize