I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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