Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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