There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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