All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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